I was reading a recent blog entry by Mark Buchanan that stirred my thought process. He was describing a law of the human condition called the Law of Unintended Consequences. This law, similar to Murphy’s Law (“What can go wrong, will”), is not a law of nature but an accepted condition of being a finite being. The law of Unintended Consequences states that an act will often produce unforeseen results that are harmful to, sometimes the exact opposite of, what we intended. Many parents have seen this law in effect when raising children. Have you ever witnessed that it is when you are in a rush that for some reason your child moves more slowly? It is as if the words, “Hurry up!” flip a switch in their little brain that says, “Slow down” the exact opposite of what was wanted.
In Genesis 25, one can read of how this law can have long-term effects. Abraham’s wife Sarah had died, and so he marries a woman by the name of Keturah. He has many sons with Keturah. However, in order to protect his son Isaac, and the promise made to him about his future, Abraham cuts his other sons out of his in heritance and sends them away (Genesis 25:6). This action accomplishes what he intends, but with the unintended consequence of creating many of the enemies, the future Israelites will have to face. For example, several generations later Gideon and his army of 300 have to battle against the Midianites (a people group established by one of Abraham’s banished sons). Abraham was able to protect Isaac in the short-term, but unwittingly subjected his descendants to harm on a much larger scale. In effect, so that one son would not be inconvenienced during his lifetime, many sons suffered grievously for many lifetimes.
So what is your Isaac? What is it that you are trying to protect? Could it be that by doing so you have actually put it at risk? So often, as parents, we want to spare our children from pain. This is not a bad thing. Except for when we shelter our children from making choices that they are perfectly capable of making. My friends at the Love and Logic institute have illustrated this idea with “The Science of Control.” It goes like this, when we share the control we get our share. When we hoard the control, we soon lose it all. A parent who understands what it means to share the control is more likely to have good results by giving choices (giving a child the opportunity to think – with the unstated message “ I believe you are smart and capable of making wise decisions”), rather than demands (doing all the thinking for the child – which sends the message “You are weak, fragile, and not very smart – let me help you.”). For example, the parent who offers their child the choice, “Are you going to wear your coat or carry it?” knows that when a child feels the cold they are smart enough to put on the coat they are carrying without being told what to do, and or how to feel about it. The child who chooses not to bring or wear a coat can benefit from the adult who uses thinking words like, “I’m so glad I brought my coat.” Some might mistakenly say that this is cruel or manipulative, but the reality is that the child who faces the temporary consequence of cold most likely will make a better choice in the future. Rather than trying to make the child feel bad, it would be better to model for them how we take good care of ourselves and thus stimulate their thinking. I hope you find this helpful. My best to you as you seek to raise up a responsible child. Thanks for reading.
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